I've been struggling with mothering these weeks/months (perhaps always without realising!) and, as I prepare to close Matt's first term in KG2 at his little Montessori preschool, I'm finding myself excited and drained. Motherhood, as you might know, isn’t a linear journey. It’s this web of highs and lows, packed with assignments, appointments and, in some cases, anxieties… and it’s also full of awe and wonder. It’s a paradox, a privilege and a full time investment.
Motherhood, as you might know, isn’t a linear journey. It’s this web of highs and lows, packed with assignments, appointments and, in some cases, anxieties… and it’s also full of awe and wonder.
A few days ago, on a call with my coach Dr Frantonia Pollins she reminded me of how my boys are my mirrors, showing me what's within myself that I'm too busy ignoring, reminding me of the parts of me that I haven't addressed though they are sore... pushing me to growth, to become a better Anahi. These boys of mine, whether I was aware of it or not, are the best triggers towards helping me heal my own wounds.
I say this with equal amounts of wonder and oh-shit-ness. As much as I ignored these for years into motherhood, in this 2018 if there’s one thing I’ve become aware of is that Matthew and Michael came into the world through me but with two massive roles:
To discover the world for themselves in their full unconditional worth.
To help me recover from the wounds that led me to believe my worth was anything buy unconditional - aka to push me to grow and heal.
The first one it’s the role most parents see for their kids… now, the second one? Let’s say many of us can agree that when we got into this parenting malarky, we didn’t signed up for that one at all!
In the past weeks, with worries about school preparedness, assessments and what is the "best" school for Matt and our family, I forgot along the way that the one being pushed, observed, questioned and tested is HIM. He is 5 and going through massive shifts and changes, including a new class at Preschool, whilst mami keeps putting pressure on him. Non-stop and all the time.
Suddenly, I was left wondering: Who am I when I behave like this? Who am I acting like? Why is this even important NOW?… and then it hit me. Like an effing tonne of bricks: I’m ego-tripping, I’m making this about ME, about MY worth, MY sense of achievement as a mother, as a woman, as a “mommy blogger”. Eck!
That was a hard pill to swallow. But, I needed to change things or both Matt and I were going to continue on this journey pulling at each other and causing more pain than joy.
So I stopped on my tracks and slowed down. For a moment, I stopped focusing on what school I wanted him to join (for either prestige or my need to fit in and be enough) and instead, decided to start paying more attention to the moments we were sharing daily and the quality of them.
Now, in the upcoming months we have hard decisions to take. We’re waiting for schools assessments and then we most commit to one for September but at this very moment my focus won’t be on the “then-and-there” but on the present; and whilst we still have much to tackle, I’ll be focusing more on being and less doing.
This journey is truly triggering and fascinating. Not sure I would have chosen it had it not chose me, but I sure am happy I’m on it.
What have been some of your struggles with ego and change as a mother and beyond?