I grew up thinking myself lazy. Useless. Non-athletic. Non-elegant. Never in my body. Always less than the rest. I believed I hated to move and never challenged it, just assumed that it was like that and so I moved on.
I developed my mind, my wits, but never my body. I became the “Funny Fat Friend”, the extra in the movie, the kind one who would buy love and friendship through goodness, the one always challenging her worth base on her body and its lack of compliance. I was a mind with legs, nothing more.
Until I decided to try loving it and see what would happen. Now, let me be VERY honest here, this whole thing started with torturing myself into thinness. I'm not gonna lie to you guys on that. The whole "sweat is fat crying" thing kept me going... until things slowly shifted within me.
One day, years after starting this journey at 25, I realised that I wanted to move because I wanted to move, no outcome beyond moving and enjoying that experience. There was no need to reach a goal, accomplish a number on the scale or win a medal. I was just in it for the pleasure of it.
Every day, I loved seeing where I could take myself by letting my body, and not my mind, guide me. It was a reclamation of my right to enjoy it, against what society and culture had told me… and let’s be honest here and say that, if there is a message society gives us day in and day out, is that our bodies exist for everyone’s enjoyment except our own.
I have done loads of therapy. This hasn’t happened on one day, year or even decade… I’ve been healing wounds that come from childhood day in and day out, committing to loving myself non-stop, allowing me be me unapologetically. So, yes, it has been a journey.
Today, I would go on a limb and call myself athletic. I demand movement from myself, fit it in my schedule no matter what, play with it, change it, always curious as to what experience will my body gift me next and how will I feel through it. It is scary and refreshing and wonderfully awesome. It has taken me YEARS to be here. But I'm glad I made the trip.
How do YOU relate to your body? How do you enjoy it for yourself only? Let me know and let’s support each other on our journeys back home, to ourselves.
PS: These leggings are from Pineapple Clothing and they are AWESOMELY comfy, thick and cute. Get yours here and use promo code ANAHIB for 20% off!